I was wishing for a break when this happened…

I wrote this yesterday:

I really just want a break. A Saturday without kids and with no work. Eight hours to my free disposal. 

YouTube, chips, sofa, hot chocolate, a hot bath, silence. 

I think if I had such a day, I’d feel empty and I wouldn’t be productive. I wouldn’t do all the things “I’ll do when the kids are on a day trip with daddy”. 

Perhaps I wouldn’t do any of these things. Maybe I’d play the piano. Maybe-maybe I’d open procreate. 

But I guess I wouldn’t get my gouache out and the fancy paper. 

I wouldn’t study Icelandic. 

I wouldn’t try cooking a fancy meal. 

I wouldn’t practice the viola. 

I wouldn’t catch up on stuff at work and I wouldn’t send 15 minute voice messages to three friends who are still waiting for a response. 

I would just sit on the sofa, waste my time on YouTube and probably miss my kids and my husband and be sad that it wasn’t a day we spend as a family of four. 

But I can’t deny that I still really, really want such a day. 

As I’m typing this, my eyelids become heavier and heavier. Just before, I gave in, closed my eyes for a second and I almost dropped my phone. 

The toddler is nursing. He’s tired but his eyes don’t look like he was going to fall asleep now. 

My body is exhausted. I am exhausted. And yet, each morning I get up and somehow find the strength to be a good parent for one more day. And then one more. And another one. 

I decline when I could have time on my Ken because I know my husband would do it for me but he’d be sad. He does so, so much for us as a family i wouldn’t want him to feel sad. My kids would be sad (need i say more?). And, well, I’d spend my time on YouTube anyway, right? Time would be up far too soon anyway. So why even bother, right?

Then today, a Saturday I was able to note down the filling. Sometimes wishes so get fulfilled. Thank you 🙏

Most relaxing moment this week: sitting in my car near the railway station, watching the trains come and go while waiting for a friend to arrive and eating a pretzel with butter. 

Silence, no demands, just me and my thoughts. Bliss ✨